THE ANTS GO MARCHING TWO BY TWO

I love it when a plan comes together!


Success is all a matter of perspective. It's how you decide to look at the world.


Wednesday night I decided that Thursday was going to be an experiment. No matter what happened I was going to look at it ALL as a success.


If this were a movie everyone in the audience would be sitting there groaning, knowing that something was going to happen...kind of like the extra crewman in Star Trek that always got killed or turned into a zombie. But if Thursday was an experiment then I was going to control all of the parameters of how it was set up and that included making my own movie. The worst case scenario was that it would be a comedy. And I'm good at laughing, especially at myself. 


I started the day playing with Lucky and Apache in their field, at Liberty. I kept it easy. I played some long distance Stick To Me. I wanted to restart all of us working as a team. When we play at Liberty, it really does make it partly their decision to participate. Good way to build my draw too. 


It took ten minutes to get Apache's attention enough to draw him to me. No surprise there. He loves to play, classic LBE. He came to me and we did some tiny Circles and lots of Friendly game. 


Lucky took a bit longer. He loves his grass and everything out there is emerald green. I worked on keeping my signals to him very subtle with lots of breathing away any tension on my part. When he did turn towards me, or step in my direction, I took all the pressure off. And, son of a gun!...it worked! He came to me soft and easy as you please.


My game with him was Touch It with the nearest fence post. He loves Touch It. He walked to it, touched it, looked over his shoulder and said "This one?" Yes! He came to me, got his carrot, a whole lot of Friendly loving and I called it quits. I'm working for tomorrow.


The best part was when I walked in and they followed me back to their paddock, knowing that I was going to close the gate on all that grass. Woohoo! Good start to the day...

SILVER LININGS AND CALLIGRAPHY...

I'm an artist. It's part of my hard wiring...can't help myself. It permeates every facet of my life. 


I see the world in colors, paint, light, textures and, because I have a bit of synesthesia ( I can hear colors and see certain kinds of music, as well as hear it), sounds. 


When I was in school, more years ago than I want to admit to, at some point during the year my parents would be contacted by my teachers. I was an honors student but all of my essays, math papers, science tests would be "decorated". I think by doodling. My Mom would, patiently, explain to the teachers what was going on and, because my grades were high and, extrovert that I am, I did well participating in class they would let it be.

Thankfully I found a partner, my husband and best friend, who "let's it be" too. I'm not, by nature, an organized person. My desk top is covered in stacks of old photo albums, little pieces of doodled on paper, unfinished masks, unpaid bills and dust with more doodles drawn into it with my fingers.


My head wonders through my day focused on whatever project I'm working on and I multi task while I work. 


Today was a celebration of too many things to do and not enough time to do them! Most people call it Spring. It's the time of year that, pretty much, blows my circuits. My seeds came and I want to garden! My arm is healing so I want to play with horses. My house needs to be cleaned and organized since I've been one handed for three months (broke my right arm and I'm right handed). The horses need to be groomed, dogs trimmed and bathed, flower pots re-potted, patios swept, fences mended, lawn mowed and here I am, writing. I crack myself up! (I forgot to tell you that I'm an Olympic Procrastinator with a thousand excuses for not finishing things.)

Spring has sprung! WOOHOO!


This morning I celebrated my first real play/work session with Lucky since the "Big Break" in January. We played for thirty minutes, all light and easy stuff but even the easy things can always be improved. I did that last night (sorry, my head's suffering from run away thoughts too). And this morning I spent the first several hours of the day with my camera in hand, capturing some of the images you see here. Calligraphy was in my head this morning when I woke up so everything I saw had a lyrical quality to it. 


The light was beautiful, horses were funny and engaged and the whole crew was out with me, dogs, cats, horses and donkey. The world was a maze of lines, triangles, new colors and the light... lovely, clear air after the rains light. 

Even the compost, steaming and forming a fog above it, was beautiful with the sun rising behind it. (I'm sparing you a picture of that.)


I'm playing with my horses again, painting and writing, pulling weeds and even carrying water buckets with my right hand and arm again. I AM HAPPY. And I'm flat out amazed at how much fun it is to scrub out a toilet and mop the floor. 


You're wondering at that leap, aren't you? Well, aside from the fact that that's the way my head is working today, I can tell you that I've found a new kind of focus and concentration in everything I can do BECAUSE I CAN DO IT. Yup, it's as simple as that. I'm finding my own balance back as my arm and hand grow stronger. Even better, I'm now ambidextrous... really ambidextrous. I can write with both hands, draw and paint with both hands, flip my tools in the barn as well as my tools in the house from one hand to the other and complete my task well enough that you can't see which is right handed and which is left! I've found my silver lining in the "Big Break" cloud and I've decided to keep it.

I'm sounding a bit manic here, I know. I'm not. I'm just excited. And I'm not taking any of it for granted either. I'm moving forward  and plan to use every single drop of all that I have in front of me. The hard part is figuring out how to prioritize since it all seems so important!


Things I have done today, and the last several days :
1. Groomed all three equines, using both hands.
2. Played with Lucky On Line for thirty minutes. (Hooray!)
3. Scrubbed and cleaned my bathroom and kitchen, using both hands.
4. Trimmed Joe (my cocker spaniel) to prepare him for a much needed shave
5. Pulled weeds, carried water buckets (only 1/2 full), ran the vacuum, and mopped and swept floors with my right hand.
6. Trained Miniver, jumping my much neglected cavalettis with her
7. And danced all over the house with the stereo turned up way too loud!

It just doesn't get any better than that!


WOOHOO! I am psyched! 


I am, ever yours, Nancy, suffering from a massive case of the best kind of Spring Fever! 

MOTIVATION AND MOUNTAINS

WOOHOO! I am on the "official other end" of my recovery from my accident in January!!! That means I'm done with physical therapy and follow up visits with the surgeon. 


WOOHOO! 


I'll still have to keep up with my exercises, but that's a twice a day commitment and not that big a deal. I like to exercise. It's been a regular part of my day and sorely missed when I can't, like in January when I walked around in a haze, holding my arm in the air. (" You will need to rest, keep your elbow above your heart and your hand above your elbow, and REST.") So, for me, exercise is it's own reward, part of my routine.


While I was " resting ", I had more than enough time to think. Since it was my dominant hand and arm that were out of commission, that and pacing, reading and gnashing my teeth were all I could do. Being an extrovert who loves to DO, it was the hardest part for me. I had to learn how to think while being still, no easy accomplishment for me. It was on a par with learning how to be left handed! 


For the past two and a half months I have been completely rewiring my brain!

You know those images that have been flying around FB, the ones where it says "This is how my friends see me." and " This is how my Mother sees me." and so on? Well, this is how my brain WANTS me to be, what it tries to make me in to ... a sweet, soft, silly, comfy, warm, safe, sleepy kitten! This is what my brain sees as my default setting. The hand that comes in to it, trying to wake the sleeping kitten, is the ME that is trying to keep myself motivated to make my better BEST. "Wake up Nancy!"

And THIS is what my brain thinks it's trying to protect me from when I reach for that good, becoming a better, on the road to BEST with my horses or anything else, for that matter, that is outside my comfort zone. It YELLS at me, saying " LOOK OOUT! RUN FOR IT! EMERGENCY! " (misspelling intended) 


Recognizing this in myself has been the real breakthrough for me. I'm not sure I broke my arm on purpose. I'd have to be truly crazy if I'd chosen that path consciously. But I have to admit that I went to bed last night thinking about something that one of my sons said to me. " Mom, something always happens, like this, whenever you're on the verge of a breakthrough." 


NO, I haven't had accidents all of my life. This is the only time I've ever broken a bone (so, of course, I made up for lost time and broke two!). But he is right about the fact that I do put obstacles in my way. All of the goals I've reached for have always been on the other side of really BIG MOUNTAINS. Or at least I thought they were. 

Breaking my dominant arm and tearing the ligaments, requiring a metal plate to stabilize my arm and additional surgery to stitch the ligaments together, has been a major obstacle. But it's also been an opportunity to relearn how to LEARN, how to reach for new goals, how to FOCUS and how to keep myself MOTIVATED. (FOCUS was my word for this year, my New Year's Resolution. Hmmmm... how interesting!)


I've read several posts and articles, books and books, about how to overcome fear, how to stay motivated. Interestingly, several of those were written by Linda and Pat Parelli (and I'm not quite tech savvy enough, YET! , to figure out how to attach to those, but you can find them if you Google them or go over to the Parelli website) as well as some of the Parelli Professionals I've become friends with on the social medias here on the Web. In fact it's been a major topic of discussion this year.


Since this post is about my horse-man-ship journey I won't write about my other life as an artist and story teller, but I will tell you that my focus there has changed too. In fact, this " Woaaaahh Nelly!" has been a mountain with gold and silver inside it. The way I approach everything has changed! It's up to me to make sure that the change is in the direction of over the mountain and for the better.

THIS is where I'm going with Lucky and/or Apache . Aren't they wonderful together? I'm "taking the time it takes..." and I will find my way there. I THINK I CAN. I KNOW I CAN! 


One step at a time... 


I am, ever yours, Nancy, doing my Happy Feet Dance, out the door and smiling

MOJO

I've had a little extra time on my hands the past couple of months. I've watched Parelli Videos over and over, slowing them down so I can see expressions on the human's face and where the horse's ears are, how relaxed they are together. And I've also been reading about human psychology, especially about fear and how to regain confidence. 


But I've also been reading about the different phases or emotions that you go through when you're recovering from an illness, injury or dealing with grief. I'd read about them before but I've never really had to deal with the kind of emotion that rolls over you when you can't control it. 


Last week I was in my anger phase. I mean I was really PISSED off. Even worse, the only one I could be angry with was myself. January 3rd was entirely my fault. It's much easier to be angry at someone else than it is to be angry with yourself. I can't point an accusing finger or huff and puff about how 'they' screwed everything up unless I want to look in a mirror and do it. Anger is an exhausting emotion. I wasted way too much time on it. Then again, maybe it's a good thing that I've dumped it all outside of myself so I can let it go and move on.

This weekend I've been depressed ... way, waay, waaay deep down I can't move, can't sleep, can't eat de --- pressed. Everything's been in slow motion. It's like moving through thick, gooey mud and having it suck at my boots until one comes off and the only choice is to step in the muck if I want to get out. 


So, in to the muck I went. I've wrestled with with my demons, made myself look in the mirror, cried about what happened and then cried some more. It's been a major pity party here. Call me Mrs. Whiner! 


Enough is enough. I've had it with the phases running things. I decided to think my way out of it. So last night I went to bed with an article in my head that my son had sent to me about sleep patterns. The article talks about research showing that it's alright to sleep in three or four hour segments with an hour or two in between of being awake. It's normal! Who knew?


I read it twice, then I told myself it was fine to wake up and feel bad. No worries. In my contrary way, when I went to sleep thinking like that, I slept for nine hours straight! I woke up this morning with all kinds of ideas in my head about how to use the day, what I wanted to accomplish. My mojo was back and wanted to be fed.

I'm not sure all of the phases are past but I have to tell you, today they aren't in control and that's a very good thing. Today I was in the moment, not worried about mountains or valleys in front of me, real or imagined. It's been a very pretty day and I've just 'been'. Everything in it's own time...


I do have a new list of things I've done.


1. I mopped the floor with my new mop. Had to wring it out with both hands but I still did it by myself.
2. I cleaned the barn, doing all of the sweeping and dusting, brush cleaning and organizing. John pulled up the floor mats and put out the new bedding, cleaned and filled the buckets. Those are still too heavy for me to manage.
3. I'm touch typing all of this using both hands and I've started to write with my right hand, draw too!
4. It's no issue to pull up zippers or button buttons anymore. I'm using both hands for that too. (It's the little things I'm feeling good about these days!)
5. I was able to stand on Apache's right side without being nervous. We took a 'sun bath' in the paddock after his breakfast, together. I massaged his face, neck, under his chin and the top of his poll around his ears.
6. And this one is huge! I haltered both Lucky and Apache by myself. HUGE! I'm still wearing my arm brace but I now have enough mobility to manage the ropes. 


Lucky was so excited he could barely keep his feet still for me. He stood there and talked to me the whole time, nickering and sighing, licking and chewing. It took only three times to get it just right, with his head turned softly to me, nose down and sliding softly into the halter. Good job Lucky!


And Apache. Oh my. He came straight to me, swung around in to perfect position, turned his head to me and put his nose in to the halter soft and easy as you please. Just like that! He looked me straight in the eye, completely focused on me the whole time. Then he leaned down and picked up my carrot stick off the ground and handed it to me! It was another one of those complicated laugh and cry moments! He gave me one of his patented 'Apache hugs' too, wrapping his head around me and sighing.

I think they've missed all of this as much as I have. 


I ended things right there, on a perfect, quiet note. They went back to munching hay in the sunshine, under the eaves of the barn. And I floated inside, about two feet off the ground.


I think I can. I think I can. I think I can!


Lots of mountains to go...lots of valleys too. But I THINK I CAN !


I am, ever yours, Nancy, licking and chewing ... and thinking

I PLAYED AGAIN!

I remember watching a video, a few months back, put out by Jerry Williams, 3 Star Parelli Professional. In it he talks about taking responsibility for how your horses behave, taking responsibility for how you as the human partner and leader behave. Well, something clicked for me last night. I woke up with that idea in my head this morning. If being hurt was not their fault but mine, then I better get my act together and REALLY take responsibility for what happened.

I've reread Dr. Stephanie Burn's book MOVE CLOSER, STAY LONGER and then I did it again because I didn't pay attention. I didn't absorb what I read. In it she talks about her journey while learning how to play/work and live with horses and the program she put together to deal with fear. She talks about how your brain, sly devil that it is, will take over and try to save you from yourself! Uh huh. Mine does that all the time. It's an expert at helping to find ways to procrastinate, to do other things that are easy for me to do ... safe stuff like cleaning the house, cleaning the barn, pulling weeds ... instead of doing the things that help me to grow and change, to get outside the comfort zone where it's scary. 


Well, today I decided to take responsibility for breaking my own pattern of going right brain. I did everything backward. Instead of cleaning the house, taking my shower after working out, neatening and tidying up all the messy places, I made sure my arm brace was off and then I surfed the net, watched silly YouTube videos, ate some chocolate, went out for a walk WITHOUT MY ARM BRACE and then I went into the paddock with the horses and we played together.

Did you catch that? WE PLAYED TOGETHER! I did it, I did it, I really, really did it ... YES! I REALLY DID IT! I'm sitting here with a pack of ice on my achy arm and typing left handed, but I did it. I even moved the carrot stick from my left hand to my right and back again. And, oh, the sighing and licking and chewing on their part...the laughing and crying and "Ow, ow, ow!" ing on my part. The sun is out and I played for just five minutes with Lucky and Apache ... and I feel like a million bucks!

I've asked for help to, from friends of mine, to help me through this process of banging the dents out of my confidence. I'm learning how to unbend and ASK. I'm pretty good at humble pie now. In fact, it tastes pretty good!


Other things I've done today :
1. Top of the list is playing with Lucky and Apache for five minutes
2. Brushed Miniver with my right hand
3. Made the bed, lifting the heavy top cover, with both hands
4. Filled the water bowls and buckets, mostly using my left hand but supporting it with my right (water is heavy and moves around)
5. I've spent the whole day with my arm brace off! (You'd be surprised at how hard that is to do when you've become used to the protection and support it provides.)
6. I trimmed some of Joe's hair off with a scissors, using my right hand to do it.


Every day it just gets better and better! WOOHOO! I'm back in the saddle again...metaphorically speaking.


I am ever yours, Nancy, doing a happy feet dance, ice bag and all!

SOMETIMES THINGS JUST HAPPEN...

Sometimes things just happen. 


On January 3rd I broke my arm. Maybe I should be more specific. I smashed it, breaking both bones, tearing ligaments, damaging nerves... the full Monty. 


Wish I could say it's over now. I will heal but it's going to take a bit more time than I thought. I have several more weeks of physical therapy to get through and then there's the gigantic dent in my confidence to deal with. But at least I can sit here and type. There's a plus!


I've been "writing the story" in my head for weeks, wanting to get it all down. But the truth is I'm kind of tired of it now. It just is. 

It was my fault. I didn't focus, didn't think about what happens before what happens happens. I was too  lost in my game,stuck on a silly goal and not thinking about the 'here and now'. I didn't think like a horse. They have one goal, to survive. They were fulfilling their goal, from their point of view. If I'd been more in the moment and paying attention to
 what was going on right then, instead of thinking about what I wanted to do, none of this would have occurred. Lesson learned the hard way!

So, the only thing to do now is to go straight forward from here. I'll have to do some restart but that will probably be good for me anyway. I need to practice being 'here and now' LOTS more. I thought I was doing that but my gnarly arm tells me different.


Truth be told, I seriously thought about quitting, throwing the towel in, walking away, giving up. I knew I wasn't going to do that the day after my surgery. I'd been told not to go down to the barn. Resting and healing was going to be my new job for the next few months. But John came in and told me that Lucky and Apache were lethargic, hanging up around the gate (where the accident happened) and off their feed. So I broke my first set of rules, didn't follow instructions and walked down to see them.

I admit I was pretty whacked out from the pain meds. I really wasn't thinking clearly. But I couldn't let them stand out there, depressed, either. John said they'd been like that since the accident but he was afraid to tell me (because he knew I'd go out there, of course). And that's when I made the decision I wasn't going to quit. I would just have to look at it as a painful lesson. 


I'm going to keep a list of all the little steps forward that I make. I'll need them to convince myself it's all OK. I can still reach for goals. I just need to be a bit more Zen about it and less monkey brained obsessed! 

Things I've done today :
1. Typed this entry, sometimes using both hands.
2. Pulled on my cowboy boots and took them off by myself.
3. Put my hair up by myself (can't say it looks great, but still I did it!)
4. Made it through the day without needing to sleep
5. Folded all the laundry using both hands
6. And, the really BIG accomplishment, I went in to the paddock by myself and hung out with Lucky and Apache without being nervous.

Now all I have to do is put on my 'Little Engine That Could' cap and get my mojo back.


I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...


"Chug, chug, chug.", she said as she went up the hill. 


I am, ever yours, Nancy, slightly dented but back in the game, smiling!

BACK IN THE GAME

WOOHOO! I'm back. November was NANOWRIMO... National Novel Writing Month. I wrote 50,000 words (actually a bit more) in one month. It was a very funny disaster. This time (I did this three years ago too) I did have a better idea of what I wanted to accomplish, so it was a great way to push myself into launching a project that I would have continued to put off. And I always work better with a goal and some time constraint.

Weather wise we've been having exactly the kind of weather needed to continue working with Lucky and Apache with some regularity. We're all having fun with it too. Somehow, when I put my focus (translates as linear thinking) on the NANOWRIMO, it made the work/play time more fun. Lucky, especially, loves that. He can be hypersensitive to pressure. When it's "play", we both relax and accomplish more in the long run.

Hmmmmmmmm...how interesting! (look at how fit he's getting, in the picture above.)

 It rained all day and all night this past Saturday so things are, at last, nice and wet again. Then it froze this morning and this was the way it looked. Pretty, isn't it? I love it when there's fog and frost at the same time. It takes the detail out of the world and leaves beautiful, graphic images. It's also Apache's kind of weather. Every time he moved, it was at a trot. It's always a celebration for Apache. Never a dull moment for him!

And Lucky...oh my. I did it. I found his motivation, a way to make it feel like everything we're doing is his idea. What a difference it's making in our communication. I think it was 3/4's Parelli and 1/4 me. My timing and feel is much better now. I've been working with another horse with an entirely different horsenality than my two (Right Brain Extrovert). She's an 8 year old Arab who's pretty much just been standing around in a field most of her life. And everything is HUGE when she's taken out of her comfort zone (namely, her pasture and away from her mates). I've been taking it in teeny, tiny steps. It probably looks like paint drying to other people, but it's worked very nicely with her. She comes to me now when I get there and looks forward to the grass on the other side of the fence, there for her enjoyment and edification! Work/play with her has taken me further outside my comfort zone, making me learn more about different types of horses and how to read their body language. My tactics with any horse have changed as a result of it. Thanks Mercedes!

Back to Lucky...today I thought he was not going to be interested in playing. He was being very nonchalant, not very engaged or interested in me. Or so I thought! He was like that yesterday too, so I sat down on the mounting block and left him alone. I spent most of my time waiting for him to come to me on his own. When he did, we played for a very short time and then I released him and let him go. Well, guess that paid off.

I finished all the chores this morning, and was getting ready to go in when he came to me, put his nose on my pocket (where I keep carrot pieces) and then looked right at me. "Aren't we going to play today?" The idea of playing for tomorrow really paid off this time. When we played/worked this morning, it was all his idea. No better way to motivate a horse than that!

It was kind of slick out there for the first time in quite a while so I played more "small games" than the usual big field games we play. Both of us were sliding around out there.

I've been working on honing my ability to give him the idea of what game we're playing and how, using the lightest cues. The more subtle I get, the more excited he is. " Ma, you talk fluent horse now!"

Lucky is a Left Brain Introvert on the cusp Right Brain Introvert, so he slips from being pushy and alpha to being shy and introverted in his behaviors. No wonder it's been such a rocky journey for us! My skills are only just starting to catch up with him. "Horses teach humans and humans teach horses." Probably the biggest professor I've ever had!

When I left Lucky, he was standing at the gate calling to me, pushing the gate and rattling the chain. I love the way all of this is working out. Maybe he's the one who's set it up for me to do a better job! I can't wait for tomorrow.

I am, ever yours, Nancy, back in the game again