The horse's pasture to the East...

Sunday, February 26, 2012


I've had a little extra time on my hands the past couple of months. I've watched Parelli Videos over and over, slowing them down so I can see expressions on the human's face and where the horse's ears are, how relaxed they are together. And I've also been reading about human psychology, especially about fear and how to regain confidence. 

But I've also been reading about the different phases or emotions that you go through when you're recovering from an illness, injury or dealing with grief. I'd read about them before but I've never really had to deal with the kind of emotion that rolls over you when you can't control it. 

Last week I was in my anger phase. I mean I was really PISSED off. Even worse, the only one I could be angry with was myself. January 3rd was entirely my fault. It's much easier to be angry at someone else than it is to be angry with yourself. I can't point an accusing finger or huff and puff about how 'they' screwed everything up unless I want to look in a mirror and do it. Anger is an exhausting emotion. I wasted way too much time on it. Then again, maybe it's a good thing that I've dumped it all outside of myself so I can let it go and move on.

This weekend I've been depressed ... way, waay, waaay deep down I can't move, can't sleep, can't eat de --- pressed. Everything's been in slow motion. It's like moving through thick, gooey mud and having it suck at my boots until one comes off and the only choice is to step in the muck if I want to get out. 

So, in to the muck I went. I've wrestled with with my demons, made myself look in the mirror, cried about what happened and then cried some more. It's been a major pity party here. Call me Mrs. Whiner! 

Enough is enough. I've had it with the phases running things. I decided to think my way out of it. So last night I went to bed with an article in my head that my son had sent to me about sleep patterns. The article talks about research showing that it's alright to sleep in three or four hour segments with an hour or two in between of being awake. It's normal! Who knew?

I read it twice, then I told myself it was fine to wake up and feel bad. No worries. In my contrary way, when I went to sleep thinking like that, I slept for nine hours straight! I woke up this morning with all kinds of ideas in my head about how to use the day, what I wanted to accomplish. My mojo was back and wanted to be fed.

I'm not sure all of the phases are past but I have to tell you, today they aren't in control and that's a very good thing. Today I was in the moment, not worried about mountains or valleys in front of me, real or imagined. It's been a very pretty day and I've just 'been'. Everything in it's own time...

I do have a new list of things I've done.

1. I mopped the floor with my new mop. Had to wring it out with both hands but I still did it by myself.
2. I cleaned the barn, doing all of the sweeping and dusting, brush cleaning and organizing. John pulled up the floor mats and put out the new bedding, cleaned and filled the buckets. Those are still too heavy for me to manage.
3. I'm touch typing all of this using both hands and I've started to write with my right hand, draw too!
4. It's no issue to pull up zippers or button buttons anymore. I'm using both hands for that too. (It's the little things I'm feeling good about these days!)
5. I was able to stand on Apache's right side without being nervous. We took a 'sun bath' in the paddock after his breakfast, together. I massaged his face, neck, under his chin and the top of his poll around his ears.
6. And this one is huge! I haltered both Lucky and Apache by myself. HUGE! I'm still wearing my arm brace but I now have enough mobility to manage the ropes. 

Lucky was so excited he could barely keep his feet still for me. He stood there and talked to me the whole time, nickering and sighing, licking and chewing. It took only three times to get it just right, with his head turned softly to me, nose down and sliding softly into the halter. Good job Lucky!

And Apache. Oh my. He came straight to me, swung around in to perfect position, turned his head to me and put his nose in to the halter soft and easy as you please. Just like that! He looked me straight in the eye, completely focused on me the whole time. Then he leaned down and picked up my carrot stick off the ground and handed it to me! It was another one of those complicated laugh and cry moments! He gave me one of his patented 'Apache hugs' too, wrapping his head around me and sighing.

I think they've missed all of this as much as I have. 

I ended things right there, on a perfect, quiet note. They went back to munching hay in the sunshine, under the eaves of the barn. And I floated inside, about two feet off the ground.

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can!

Lots of mountains to go...lots of valleys too. But I THINK I CAN !

I am, ever yours, Nancy, licking and chewing ... and thinking

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