I've watched and watched the videos. I've done simulations with John, practiced with the equipment and I've even earned my dues in the volunteer and dirty work department, going to and working at nine barns. And tonight I watched my horse turn off right in front of me. I'm stuck.
Things being the way they are economically, I'm going to have to figure this problem out by myself. I can't afford any clinics or instructors. It's a little bit scary out here by myself. I'm hoping the new Connect through the Savvy Club is going to help me with this. But right now I can't load any pictures because of the computer breakdown and fix that the 'geek' guys did on it. Most of my programs are gone, including the one I used for my photos.
I am so stuck! I promised I wouldn't be one of those "stuck in the middle" people, but here I am. It's like walking through the gooey mud at the edge of the pond, the kind that sucks your boots right off your feet and when you pull your feet out, they get stuck too!
I'm working hard at not doing the pity party thing here. I'm not good at that sort of thing. I can tell you that teaching this to yourself is no easy task. It's harder than putting myself through college with two babies to take care of. At least then I was young enough to still feel like I could do anything.
I have this dream in my head. I want so much to do well for Lucky...and for me. We've gone through a lot together over the past five years. He's as invested in me as I am in him. Today he turned away from me, spent more time on the frozen weeds along the arena edge than paying attention to me. He even bucked and tried to pull out of my hands. I don't know how to stop, how to fix it or how to go forward from here. I'M STUCK!
I'm not necessarily doing things wrong. I'm just boring him to tears. He kept giving me these looks like " Gee whiz. Do I have to do THAT again? This totally sucks." It was that kind of bored teenager look.
I'm a believing kind of person when I think I've found a true expert as a teacher. I watch Pat and Linda Parelli with their horses and it takes my breath away. I watch some of the student auditions on youtube...and it takes my breath away. Tonight I watched myself with Lucky and I had to agree with Lucky. I'm boring. Problem is, I have no idea of how to be "provocative". I don't know where the balance is between too hard and not hard enough. And I don't want to damage the relationship or his dignity, but we can't keep on like we are right now either.
I feel like I'm caught in a loop, going round and round the same part, like a mobius strip. It's like being in one of those Escher drawings, actually I think it's an etching. I'm talking about the one where you see people going up and down these impossible stair cases, around and around in this surreal world where upside down is right side up. I'm that stuck and confused about where to go or how to get over this horrible middle. For the first time, I'm seriously thinking about quitting.
I can't though. I can't give my horses over in to the hands of someone who doesn't try as hard as I do or who only sees them as a hobby, something interesting to entertain themselves with. That would be hell for them. And I'm not a quitter. But that still doesn't solve my problem of being stuck.
I wish I had someone to talk to.
I am, ever yours, Nancy...not smiling much this evening, but still trying
PS. Sorry. No recipes tonight. I don't eat when I feel bad. I loose my appetite. Hard to think about food right now.