age
āj/
noun
- 1.the length of time that a person has lived or a thing has existed.
"he died from a heart attack at the age of 51"
synonyms: number of years, length of life;
- 2.a distinct period of history.
"an age of technological growth"
synonyms: era, epoch, period, time, eon
"the Elizabethan age"
verb
- 1.grow old or older, especially visibly and obviously so.
"you haven't aged a lot"You have no idea how hard I've worked at avoiding this subject. I've gotten all kinds of odd projects done this morning while I tried to stay away from what I want to write today.I've never thought much about age, at least up until a few years ago. I was focused on other things, like school, marriage, traveling, my change of status to parent, money and all of the other things that come up while you race to keep up with your life.We didn't do much about birthdays. The birthday person always gets to pick the meal and kind of cake they want and they can also choose to have a party. Sometimes our sons wanted parties, sometimes they didn't. Neither John or I did. It was another day, a way to mark the passing of time. I always made the cakes and special meals, even my own. But I love to cook so that was no big deal. And I loved some of the wacky ideas my children came up with too.30? No big deal. I was young, strong, busy. 40? Again no big deal. I was young, strong, busy. 50? Same, same. I was in my prime. I had some big time failures in my life by 50 but who doesn't? I kept getting back up and leaping. 60? I was doing just fine until ...
Friends starting dying because of age related issues or even suicide. Some died of drug overdoses. Seeing my adult children dropped down to once every year or two. We had Christmas together for the first time this past year in more than ten years. Look at that number ... TEN YEARS.
I had an accident involving my horses. I've come off before. All riders have. But I always got back up, brushed myself off and said, " Whoa partner. What just happened there? " And we would figure it out. Sometimes it was wind on a cold day and sometimes it was something under the saddle or girth that was irritating (My bad. It's up to me to check equipment, make sure my horse is neat and tidy, relaxed and connected.) But this one involved broken bones, metal plates to put things back together and a lot of physical therapy.
And then friends started teasing me about wrinkles, black balloons, sagging and blah, blah, blah. Nothing too unusual there except this time I believed them. My skin really was wrinkled. Things that I never thought would sag, did. Heck, I even had wrinkles on my knee caps. Who knew knee caps would wrinkle? Weight was harder to control. Keeping myself in condition was more of a challenge. Holy smokes! They must be right. I'm old!
And I came to a slamming screaming halt on just about everything. I began to isolate myself. I stopped trying. Couldn't seem to focus. I wasn't sleeping well. I was crabby, unhappy, angry. In short, I believed the crap we're all fed by any media we come in to contact with. Everyone was younger than me and I was dismissed and overlooked because I didn't have any special achievements. I was in the 'back burner' time of my life so why bother?!
And then a young friend died, and another and another. I cried a lot. My animals were dying too; cats and dogs. And while I grieved, something shifted this past year. It was like hitting a stone wall while riding. WHAM! I sat there stunned and my perspective blurred then shifted and clarified. I was here, breathing, alive and I was wasting time. If there is anything anyone would change at the end of their lives, it's the need to have just a little more time to be with people they love, go on adventures or even read the sequel to that really good series you were only part way through. I had to find a way to change some bad habits I'd developed while I was hiding out. I was done spinning my wheels and going no where. And I also needed help. The bog was deep and sucking my boots off. I was completely mired down.
I made a list of priorities. Where was I lacking? Turned out it was just about everything. So I rearranged the list, 1. to a number bigger than I want to admit to here. I needed a coach. On the top of my list was a genuine fear that I wouldn't be able to keep my horses or complete my commitment to them. Commitment is an important word for me, the core of who I am. If I give you my word, I keep it. If I have to change my mind I do it honestly and as quickly as I can. But I don't lie, I always apologize and try to make up for my short comings. And when I commit to a person or animal I always keep it. I've seen what happens when animals and people are abandoned by the ones they love and trust. It's devastating.
I took a deep breath, paid for the service and found a coach. It's a four week stint. I wanted it to be a good, steady push to get my engine going again. I'm hoping that getting back on track with my horses will lead to focus in my art and writing, and reconnecting with the world.
I'm in my first week. It's been harder than I thought it would be. There's some inner conflict I'm having to rake up from the muck and deal with. It isn't my skill levels keeping me in place. It's a deep seated lack of confidence, an unwanted weed I let grow in my gardens. I used to identify myself as a good student, an excited and willing student. Seems I put her in the corner and left her there to wilt. I'm going to have to transplant that part of myself and start out in a better 'location'. For the first time in my life I'm more frightened of the process of learning than I am excited by it. That's new for me.
Everyone else is ready, waiting for me. I'm in an "approach and retreat" process with myself while I step up to the gate, feel those butterfly wings fluttering around in there and step back again. Forward, backward, rest, repeat. It's OK. I watched a TED Talk on body language and how it impacts your inner version of how you see yourself. Super-Woman stance, head up, shoulders back, deep breaths, smile. Keep your sense of humor Nancy. Smile again. Practice the body language again. Now try one more time. the only one grading me is me. Breath in to it. Yin, Yang. Balance. Stretch. Be brave. Ask for help. Believe. Set goals up close and further away too. Try. Set your prickly pride to the side. You're doing fine girlfriend. Now. Try. One. More. Time.
Hate to leave you hanging, but that's where I am. I've been doing my homework but I'm also blanking out on it too. So I'll go back and do it one thing at a time. Breath Nancy, breath...
No comments:
Post a Comment