RANTS, BOOKS AND IMAGINATION

Well Rats-a-Rama! I blew out my computer and back in the same week. Hmmm...wonder if that has some kind of cosmic meaning? Just got the computer tower back on Friday and it turns out that when they saved things to reload, all they saved were the personal files and pictures, not the programs. AAAACK! (head back, mouth open, major grimace). And I don't have discs to replace them because it was one of those ordered computers with programs in place. Sometimes I despise the learning curve.

You're wondering why I'm going on a rant about this? I'm tired of my pictures on here. I wanted to put some new ones in. These are all from last Winter. ** low grumble** and **teeth grinding** So John is going to pick up the programs we need to reenter on the way home from work today. In the meantime, no new pictures. (New saddle first, then a computer. Patience is a virtue.)

So, on to other things. I'm still not supposed to be working with Lucky yet. I did last week and blew things out again. Bad Nancy! Seems that being a rule breaker isn't always in my best interest. Lesson learned again. I have been going out with them every day and just hanging out. I love that. Nothing like warm, grassy breath blown into my face for making me feel better.

While I've been standing around looking like a philosopher in the field, I've been doing "mental training"...visualizing. I have a well honed imagination, so I put in as many details as I can right down to stopping to tie my boot laces. And I've been adding in fanciful things too, like orchestras in the tree lines and Wolf Kahn talking to me about color theory and horsenality. Yup. No stops on this kiddo's head.

And I've been reading. Some of the books are total bubble gum that I use to stop my head when it's time to go to bed. But the other's all have to do with relationships, motivation and horsemanship. The local librarians love me! I'm taking the books home that usually sit on shelves, at least around here, and get dusty. Someone's got great taste in aquisitions though.

Two that we bought to add to our personal collections are : ANIMALS MAKE US HUMAN, by Temple Grandin and Catherine Johnson, and THE REVOLUTION IN HORSEMANSHIP AND WHAT IT MEANS TO MANKIND, by Robert Miller, DVM and Rick Lamb. Excellent books! Definitely worth adding to any personal library. If I were teaching in either High School or College, I would have these on my reading list for the students...required reading!

The other two books (I always read in multiples. I'm kind of ADD about that. From my point of view, you can never stuff your head too full!) are : CARROTS AND STICKS, by Ian Ayres and THE TWISTED SISTERHOOD, UNRAVELING THE DARK LEGACY OF FEMALE FRIENDSHIPS, by Kelly Valen. Interesting combination, don't you think?

CARROTS AND STICKS is about building incentives to keep yourself going, motivation and persistence (hmmmmmmmm...how interesting!). I've just begun that one this morning. My style of reading drives my husband nuts. I read in circles...back, middle, front and then front, middle, back. He was an English Major, so reading the back of a book is kind of like practicing literature mayhem and murder. " Honey, you just can't do that! It's against the rules!" ah me. He gets so distressed when he says that too.

My reply is "What rules?" **big grin here**

THE TWISTED SISTERHOOD is an odd choice, you're thinking...yes? An explanation is in order here. My past isn't relevant to this except as a reason for the kinds of relationships I have with my girlfriends, the types of people I've been attracted to. My roll models were difficult (and that's being kind) in my childhood.

If you go back to the first paragraph (and previous postings), it's obvious that it sometimes takes hitting my head on hard walls more than once for me to learn and change. The women I've had friendships with in the past have been domineering, angry, verging on sadistic on their part and masochistic on my part. In other words I've put up with a lot of sh!t over the years, thinking it was the right thing to do because I believe in unconditional love. Love people the way they are. Don't try to change them.

The last part is still true for me. Unconditional love is important. But now I practice it because I'm honoring who people are and celebrating our differences. Vive la difference (you have to say that with a French accent, through your nose**another big grin here**)! Spending concentrated time with my herd has taught me the importance of being honest with myself at a deeper level. And that means admitting that I don't like feeling bad. Most of my past relationships were based on that. They made me feel bad. I wanted to change them (the people) , couldn't, so I tried to change myself.

Now there's nothing wrong with making changes in yourself. That's how you grow and mature. But the women from my past didn't want those changes to be in a direction that made me stronger, happier or more self reliant. In fact, I found that when you do learn how to defend your personal space it begins to shine a bright light on what those relationships were really based on. They were practicing CONDITIONAL love. If I was the way they wanted me to be, they were my very best friend(s). But when I made the polite request to back off, or I disagreed with their point(s) of view, lord love a duck and please pass the pickles! You had better duck and run because it became a free for all and I was the target. Viciousness is a pretty word for what they did to me while trying to maintain control.

I should tell you that this simply separated out the chaff from the grain. The grains or seeds were the friends who were real, who wanted to help me grow. Nice metaphor, don't you think? When I saw THE TWISTED SISTERHOOD on the shelf, the title leaped out at me. It was in a stack of brand new books just being added to the new titles shelf. I asked the librarian if it was ready to be checked out. Good thing for me, it was. But I've just started it, so I'll have to wait to tell you what I think about it.

I love the new directions my life with my herd is taking me. I'm poor as a church mouse and happier than I've been in a very long time, all the way back to having babies (still my all time favorite part of my life!). I can't even remember why all the other things I thought I was supposed to want were ever an issue. Maybe that means I'm really letting the old goop go? I guess I'll let Lucky, Apache and Willow tell me.

#7 Horses teach humans and humans teach horses. , Eight Principals of Horsemanship, Pat Parelli

I am ever yours, Nancy, smiling at the way things go...and reading!